Bloggie i wanna say am so sorry for not posting for almost a month now.. So many things has happened.. NDP is over, had many outings, emotional moments.. Met up with my secondary sch classmates for Vanessa's bday for a really awesome evening the other day.. I've officiallyhad all the lectures and tutorials for the first semester of my POLY life !! HAving study break now.. Next week will be my FINAL SEM EXAMINATIONS !!! Afterwhich will be the long break which will be almost 2 months ! Will be flying to heaven for 2 weeeks ((: Away from this dreadful island !! Sadly its only for 2 weeks.. could've been the whole 2months ! haizzz.. next year i will !!
Anywayss so many things have happened.. Met some new people along the way.. Crazy times, UNFORGETTABLE MOMENTS.. I never regretted a single moment.. But one thing I've dreaded for it to change yet still stays the same.. Still having that same feeling since I joined Poly.. I really thought it would all change once i join poly.. But it only got worse.. All my life I've felt this way..
Do I really have that low of a self esteem ?
Do I really have that bad of a personality ?
Deep down I live in the past..
Mindset is still that of the past..
But I still do accept my present facts..
Then why am I still such ?
Why do I not have anyone ?
PPL once so close to me have parted from me..
I miss em so much..
Everyone is changing ..
I've been left behind..
I guess thats what its like to be a ghost..
A spirit.. Living in the past in a present world..
Ur acknowledged here and there by the surroundings
but never accepted into the society, friends and other people..
I feel like a ghost :(
I cant talk to anyone..
I always feel sooooo..
I dont even know what feeling this is..
What do I even have to do ?
Why am I feeling this ?
I dont even know whats wrong with me..
Am just alone and I hate it..
Almost 6months of poly and not a single person..
PPL think I've alot of friends..
PPL think I am Mr.Popular..
Well yeahh i guess I knw alotta ppl..
But not one of em knows me..
Knows me for who I am..
Still.. I walk alone EVERY single day..
Why ?? Maybe am just different..
Maybe am just weirdd..
I dont want to be a loner..
I dont want to be sad..
I dont want to be alone all the time..
I dont like this island..
My parents.. My family.. Their all I've got..
since the day he was born..
Thats all he has been dependant on..
With them around he is the happiest person on earth..
Maybe he has been so close to them..
So close that he is unable to be close to anyone else..
He wants to get awayy..
Get away from this terrible miserable islandd..
Oh the pain from within..
Its unbearable..
He yearns for someone to walk with him..
Hold his hand and tell him that he is loved and he is not alone..
But even when someone does..
HE fears to accept the care from anyone other than his family
and a few special people..
Why ?
Coward is what you may call him for being fearful of
losing the ones whom say they would stay...
His eyes are the barrier of a river of tears waiting to flow..
The barrier is stronggg..
He is strong and he will stay strongg..
One or two drops trickle here and there but never will he break..
A heart so heavy yet so empty..
Unable to receive.. Only able to give..
Unable to commit, only able to deliver..
Unable to allow one to stay but able to stay with someone..
Unable to receive love, only able to shower love..
A kind of love he wished he had till this dayyy..
Not the kind you maybe thinking of..
The kind of unconditional love..
He still receives that love in other forms..
For that he is ever so thankful for the GREAT LORD ABOVE (:
Yet nothing can replace..
A heart has become the way it is now..
How it became such ? He doesnt know..
If he could change it..
Oh.. He wishes for it so badly..
This weird little teen continues to smile as though everything is alright..
Not knowing what is wrong with him..
Wishing he did.
Wishing he had a solution..
He tries to open up only to find that theres nothing left..
Could he be saved ?
Would he be saved ?
Would there be someone ?
He just wants to get away from this island where he doesnt belong..
A wandering ghost he has become..
Signing OFF,
PKD
