•––––•(-•P®inCë CħÂ®MïÑG's BLOG•-)•––––•

2010-02-01T07:33:00.000-08:00

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I want my fairytale..

2009-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Bloggie, its beeen aeons since my last post.. Been really caught up with school and am so sorry for not updating.. Anywayss lotsa stuff have happened.. BESTIE is out of town, really going nuts without her... Bt am jus gladdd she is happyyy and doing great ((: What else ? COMMON TESTS are like in a week's time and i've not gotten down to serious revision !! GOODNESS ! PRAVEEENNN !!! U GOTTA SERIOUSSSSLYYY GET STARTEDD BIG TIMEEE !!

Anyways lately.. alot of things have been happeninggg.. I dunno whats going on.. Is it cause of the things i see around me or is it simply me..

I hate it, yet i love it..

I've been running away from this for many years now...

Waiting..

Sometimes i even wondered if there was ever a right time..

Or I just assumed that it wasnt meant for me, and I was just mean to be on my own...

I was so strong and settled with that..

I was cool being alone..

Bt it starts hurt..

MORE than it usually does..

But lately, the emotions are just running wild... Has this heart healed ? Or is it just another illusion to fill the many broken graps of this terribly wounded heart ?

I really dont knw..

Torn inbetween ..

Thou feels so perfect when around and when I speak and share and connect and everything is practically everything I am..

Thou other which is simply everythingg I crave and feel and want in which. Everything I imagined.. It was there from day 1.. Its crazy..

Do I feel such due to my surroundings ?

It is said that love can heal anything...

Even after it causes so much of pain and it is avoided to the maximum..

Ironically, it is that very same love that heals that pain caused by love itself..

What is this insanity ?

The heart is looking at everything in such a different way now..

It needs, it craves, it wants..

Do fairytales exist ?

Do happily ever afters exist ?

If not anyone, I should knw this better..

Bt why the persistant existance of that hope that there is ?

All seems so beautiful at first..

So perfect..

Then it starts to poison U..

I dont want to be poisoned..

I am confused.

Despite it all..

It seems so right..

So perfect..

I want my fairytale..

bt before that..

REALITY CHECK !!

COMMON TESTSSSSSSSSSSSS !!! :D

Signing off,

PKD

oo that HOT GurL :P

2009-10-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

Bloggieee ! ok so its beeen quite a ride.. lotsa stufff happening ! and man its really getting to me !!! ahhh save me bloggie !! Anyways few interesting things happened.. Well mondayyyy.. yesterday after schoool so i decided to take a bus home after a long day of sch ! Usually i take the MRT which will bring me to Bugis in abt say 35mins i guess ? So i decided to take the bus and knowing well it wld take an hour to get to my place :D bt then again i love long bus rides ! So i decided to go for it for a change.. Besides i din wana be standing in the trains which confirm will be packed arnd that time :D

So well I just hugged on to my laptop and i think i fell asleeeep at the back of the bus.. after slipping in to a deeeeeeeeeep sleeep the bus suddenly jolted and i felt my laptop slip frm my hand !! omg omg omg ! yesss ! LAPTOP !! :D Opened my eyes so big like i saw a ghost and there beside me was sitting this real pretty gurl !!! :D :D she caught my laptop and smile n said be careful ! :D I was like haha.. no comments.. jaw dropped ? :D She really was drop dead goregous !! Anyways started to just have a conversation with her and i learnt she was from SMU year 2 !! :O haha was embarrasing when i had to say am from NP year 1 somemore ! goodness.. sadly she had to leave in like a min or 2.. bt mannn b4 she tapped her card she like turned back n smiledddd !! even aft gettin down she like searched for me n waved bye :D

*melted* :D

Ok i knw this sounds super bollywood ! and dont worry i am NOT in love or anything la :D :D Just that man she was like some indian Megan Fox ?? :D unlike megan fox she wasnt having any wardrobe prob.. well dressed :D so yeah ! Well it was interestinggg.. though it was just for a min or 2 that we spoke.. there was jus this u knw.. hahaha we jus clicked :D and oh oh her name was Preethi !! :D saw her book :P

Anywayss that was monday ! The sweet part of it.. now on to the BITTER PART So last night say 2am odd ? well I had my dinner :D pretty late eh :D well went to keep the plates and glass mug in the kitchen when I have no idea hw bt accidentally dropped the glass mug and it had to DROP right on my second left toe on my right leg ! aiyooo ! Imagine it breaking on ur leg !! not the floor bt ur toe ! for a moment i din feel anything ! I saw a blood drop abt a metre away frm my leg.. little did i realise it SQUIRTED out of my toe !

AIYO BLOGGIE !! SO MUCH BLOOD ! NEVA SAW TAT MUCH OF BLOOD B4 ! pouring la ! I literally fell to the ground and like jus got a tissue covered it and closed my eyes for awhile.. was like all giddy man ! After a good 5mins i nursed the wound and plastered it ! ITs like fine now la ! Bt still hurts a lil.. but manageble la ! AM the great PKD u knw ! This is all... :D :D :P

anyways sadly today in sch had to be limping arnd in a slipper !!

and ohh speaking of today !! Was a gd day ! Had first session of my PSF cca for the semester!

It kinda sucks cause i end at 1pm on tuesdays and cca starts at 630 !! ahhh !! so gotta

go home n come back ! unless someone wants to accompany ! Which i doubt.. so well yeap

darling HUBBLE always waiting for me at home ((: HEEHEE

Anyways today suddenly our drama coordinater Serena suddenly told all of us to

pair up with someone and come with a short 5min skit on the theme

"The first time I..."

it cld be anythinggg.. :D

and today i brought one of my friends whom wanted to join PSF - Poly Stage Factor..

As it was her first session she was kinda nervous la.. we ended pairing up togetherrr..

we set up this scene where we're both couples and well she kinda got a call from her

best friend saying she saw me kissing another girl somewhere else.. and when she

confronted me i jus acted blur and slowly the arguement heated up leading to a break

up ! Apparently its her first relationship and first time getting cheated on !! :D :D

Oh man was really nervous ! and wow i din knw it was so hard to be a bad insensitive

guy ! not as easy as u think u knw :P bt its kinda fun though :P hahaha !! i love being

the bad evil person man ! just simply AWESOME LA !!! :D :D :D

anywaysss we got a positive response la and she acted really gr8 despite the fact

its her first day and everyone was strangers to her !! HATS OFF TO HER :)))

Really someone nice ... am sure she'll do gr8 !! Yet another drama mama ! :D

anywayss so thats for todayyy !! and oh oh I just got a reply for an audition that i went

for yesterday ! It was audition for emcees for the annual camp my poly holds for

fresh O'level GRADS and its called "RED CAMP" !! I auditioned and i thought i was doomed cos i was supposed

to intro myself talk abt my poly and then interview this dude whom came back frm some overseas study trip !! Ended up i asked him the same question twice ! totally flopped ! ARGH !

bt managed to continue and u knw... handle the situation.. But i honestly was 100% certain that i wouldnt get to be EMCEE ! somemore its like one of the main events for NgeeANN !! was so upset i missed such an awesome chance BUT !!!

I got an email todayyy saying i got the role along with few others am sure !! SO YAYY !! SHALL MAKE FULL USE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY !! AND PLS PLS PLS I HOPE I WONT FLOP AGAIN !! Anyways so on for tmr !!

AM GONNA DONATE BLOOD TMR !!! I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO ! bt parents were not too favourable to it ! Finally i convinced em !! :D THeir havin a blood donation drive in my sch ! SO YAY ! tmr here i come !

Villanz gonna save a life :P

Anyways well pretty much in a goodie happy mood today !!!

hope that remainss !!! anyways bloggieee I really hope all will

be fineeee ((: lotsa misses from miles away !

Signing off,

PKD

Untill Theres Light..

2009-10-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Today was really an awesome day Bloggie ((:
I guess it was..
It started off with a heavy feeling in my heart which i trully hated !
A feeling i've not felt for a long time.. Bt thats fine ((:
So went for a friend's gathering in the afternooon.. stayed there for awhile and afterwhich had to leave for some reaons :D

Later that day had to go meet my awesome sec sch friends for a diwali gathering.. More of a class gathering actually :D But before that I had to give myself a treat to one of my most favourite chocolate dishes :D :D :D

Aint it just a beauty ??? :D HAD IT ALL TO MYSELF !

Anyways i aint gonna go into detail on the happenings at the GATHERING.. But it was definitely smth i needed.. Made me feel so much lighter.. I really miss those ppl ! Their like one of the ONLY reasons i miss sec sch :D

THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME ((:

It was just so heartwarming bloggie.. been a long while since i just went crazy and be my crazy old LAME self :D I really liked it Bloggie..

I saw something today.. Something so beautiful..

Something that reminded me of what I am missing..

I mean its not like I forgot or anything..

Its always on my mind..

But it reminded me of whats it like..

NOT What could've been.. as that one i already know..

But more of..

HOW it could have been..

There is a huge diff :/

He yearns so so muchh..

Why did things have to become such ?

What happened along the way ?

Oh he misses it so much..

Anyways happy moments and smiles aside..

Today he saw first hand..

how mean the world can be too..

He always knew bt never felt..

Today he felt..

It hurt..

oh definitely it did..

Pricked him..

But it aint taking him down..

It tried to attacked him

but..

He is not going attack back

He could if he wanted to to but

THAT would only make him just like the rest..

He stands strong ((:

Guess what he was doing all this while was right all alonggg..

T H A N K Y O U G O D ((:

So he continues walkinggg..

Back to dark path ?

Maybe thats just how its meant to be..

Untill theres light...

he will walk (:

Signing off,

PKD

This World SUX ! But am going to SURVIVE !

2009-10-24T02:40:00.000-07:00

Bloggie ! Ur like the one and only person i can confide everything and absolutely anythingg.. I just feel so heavy and tight and messed up in heart right now bloggie.. I dont knw how to explain this feeling but I am guessing you would understand what am feeling yeah.. I guess it was a mistake on my part hoping things could actually take a turn if I put myself in the flow, instead of trying to control it all the time.. Its back to square one.. Smth that made me feel so warm at heart and make me rethink everything i did and actually make myself put aside my armour and be myself... What a fatal move it was ? Once again guess I have been pricked.. Maybe it is just my own doinggg..

Here I sit all alone again.. It hurts bloggie...

I guess its really wrong to even expect a lil small gestures of appreciation..

I've always told myself not to even expect a smile in return..

I never did expect a smile at all..

Just that i needed smth..

And it just hurts i guess when...

well u knw bloggieee..

Anyways enough of that shit..

So whats new.....

well,

So today.. After a LONG TIME !!

i felt something could be done about a something that I've been feeling for a long time..

hahaha ! make sense ?

i dunno.. But I really have been really having

mixed reactions and..

maybe I should..

But well I knw its not gonna go no where..

wld it ?

I really dont knw.. o'wellz, we'll see hw it goess..

Bloggie.. i knw i said earlier that thats enough of that shit..

bt its still running on mind mindd..

Please take it away from me ?

Why do i have to go through this?

As though what I hold deep within is not enough ??

Why cant the world just have the nice people ?

And why do some nice people have to have such a bitter side too ?

Why cant everyone just be nice..

Put aside their egos..

Just be themselves from within..

And we all should not take advantage of others too !

I guess thats why people put on such masks...

To protect themselves from the world..

But some of these masks just have so many thorns and horns on d' outside

that it pricks people u know when they fall for these masks..

Well I've always known, that the world isnt nice..

Sometimes i meet a few nice ppl.. and I get so carried away

and start having that darn mindset that everyones the same..

Guess it really isnt huh ?

The world SUX !

But I am still gonna survive !

I need you so badly...

Its hell without you here..

He continuess to walk with his heart left in the past where he finds a home..

Signing off,

PKD

Ups and DOWNS..

2009-10-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

Bloggie... its been a super long while since i blogged huh ? alot of things have happened..

Just to update, i returned frm India on 15th SEP for rehearsals for my Poly's mega production Jeeva Ganam Irulil Oli 09' which was a mega hit on 10th OCT !!

Really i've been practicing super hard especially on the language.. really, my only barrier btw me and the thing i love doing is simply the language tamil.. I really sometimes wish my parents let me take tamil.. So much of setbacks :(( bt nonetheless i managed to MASTER my lines by show day ! one month of rehearsals... DAILY MON TO SAT 9am to 11pm PLUS !! it was a crazy few weeks !! lotsa ups and LOTSA DOWNS ! bt really got to bond wif the ppl ! and forged some genuine friendships ((:

Show day was trully a blast !! Was in sch abt 9am !! had a mini show run ! had some changes to the scenes and by the time it was 6pm ! we all gathered in a circle and closed our eyes flashing back through the paths we took to reach the actual show day ! It was a special moment for all of us..

To add things off... AS FAR AS DRAMA WAS CONCERNED myself and a drama mate of mine, ANaND was the first characters to appear on stage !!! :O What an adredeline rush there was !! Oh the crowd !! what a huge crowd !! After the first scene.. i got rid of the fear.. and i just went with the flow.. and before i kenw it i was in the last and final finale scene ! and the audience jus roared with applause..

What I couldnt believe was after the show, not only my friends whom came to support, but people I did not knw and ppl i never saw before came up to me saying I did a gd job and keep up the gr8 work and the show was awesome and all !! TRULLY I never expected such.. Besides i did cock up a few lines and made mistakes here n there.. But managed to cover up a little.. But still there was overflowing compliments for everyone !! and the feeling of accomplishment was at its PEAK !!!! But trully I couldnt have done wifout the help of everyone ! and jus wanna thank everyoneee FOR ALL THE HELP !!! ((:

really means alot to me !

Even todayyy, while at causeway point, this random middle aged woman, suddenly put her hands on my shoulder and said "boyy u acted very well that day, the ngee ann jeeva ganam show" I was super astonished ! she actually recognized me wifout all that disastrous make up !! :D :D :D bt nonetheless really trully honoureddd ((:

so todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yeah i was in causeway point.. followed a friend as my friend wanted to pierce ear :D and well went to bugis afterwhich.. bumped into the whole Jeeva Ganam crew.. apparently they had a lil outing of their own.. almost all of em were thereee.. Was really GLAD to see em honestly, cos the ppl i was kinda close to in the crew was all there.. Was jus kinda upset bloggie.. that i wasnt even told abt such an outinggg.. though i aint close to most of em.. well i jus wish.. haizzz.. maybe am just the exta of the entire grpp.. bt o'wellz. I jus felt like pouring it out BLOGGIEEE..

anywaysss DEEPAVALi IS COMINGGGGGGGGGGGG !!! ITS ON SAT !!!! one year ago !! i was complaining and whining abt the fact i HAD an O'level history exam the day after Deepavali ! now am havin holz during Deepavali ! trully all the hardwork last year paid off !!! I just wish somethings din have to change.. Celebrations dont seem like celebrations nomore.. its jus not the same no more.. It never will be.. Jus thanking GOD for everything I STILL have..

One way or another.. still looking forward to Deepavali.. and before i knw it its on to POLY LIFE !! SEMESTER 2 !!!!! Time fliesss so much..

Am still left behinddd...

Or am I.

Am trying to walk..

But my heart aint following..

Where do I go ?

What do i DO ??

HELP.

UPS AN DOWNS..

Even during the ups, am not out of the downs..

Signing off,

PKD

2009-10-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

HAPPY ((:

hope it lasts..

does it ever?

nth lasts forever..

He keeps walking !

Siging off,

PKD

It jus keeps hurting more and more..

2009-09-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

Bloggie, it keeps hurting more and more..

He doesnt knw what to do anymore..

Is there anything he can do ?

Confused and in pain.. Not having anywhere to go..

Drowning in his own hidden tears.

Unable to help himself,

he jus keeps himself from getting more hurt...

By which is still affecting him so much..

As everyone around him is moving on..

They have left the scene..

And the only one whom is left in the scene is this lonely soul.

Am scared.. Am so scared..

Everyone is going off..

Leaving..

Not that their leaving me, but that their moving on with life..

Indirectly they are moving on to the next stage..

Unable to do anything I just remain and sob in my heart..

PLEASE HELP ME OH LORD..

Where life takes me ? I leave it to LIFE itself

with the hope it wont let me down..

It wont right ?

What do I have for myself ?

NOTHING.. Absolutely nothing..

Screwed up life he lives..

Take me away from here..

take me away from this world..

Take me back in time..

WAY BACKKKKKKKKKK..

Back to when everything was right..

What happened ?

What am I doing here..

I've noone to blame but me.

Please help me..

He feels so dead..

A walking lifeless body..

Everytime he thinks it cant get anymore worse..

It does..

Signing off,

PKD

So LONELY..

2009-09-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

BLoggie.. its beeen over a month since i last posted.. and am really sorry for not being able to blog so longgg.. I really missed blogging.. So many things have happened.. 1st semester of poly is over.. exams over.. I went to INDIA !! Spent time wif my family.. for what was definitely with out a shadow of a doubt the MOST HAPPIEST 2 weeks of 2009 (:

I had to come back within 2 weeks due to some commitments in sch which i HAD NO IDEA INITIALLY.. If i knew i honestly wld have never sacrifised my time wif my family for anything else..

Bloggie, ever since i got back to this little terrible painful island.. I've not had a peace of mind :( i mean i knw i came back for drama.. and the only reason am here is for my love for drama.. But it just really kills me inside i cld have been away from this island with my family instead of being here n I had a choice.. that jus kills me.. But on the other hand when i signed up for this drama i had no idea about it having to being during this holz.. So its really not my choice too. But still I feel so lonesome.. I cant seem to be myself..

I've become so antisocial.. I cant seem to mingle.. I cant seem to be myself.. Maybe because i just knw i wouldnt be accepted. I never felt like I belonged here in this island.. Much less among the people that I have to meet for the next 3 weeks EVERYDAY.. Maybe I am just weird.. I am just useless.. I never felt liked or wanted when there.. More like an extra person.. Which really isnt smth new for me. I've never fit in anywheree... Wld I fit in anywhere ? Thats a question this soul has been poundering on for yearss..

I hate life here Bloggie.. Among the rest.. There are a few reasons why i still survive in this disaster island.. AND I THANK GOD for those blessings.. I trully treasure those BLESSINGS ((:

bloggiee.. Isnt it normal for one to crave for love ? I dunno what to do.. The tears are at the brim.. This soul continues to hold it all back..

No more sense of direction in this life.. Everything seems to be changing.. and I MEAN EVERY THINGGG IS CHANGING BEFORE MY VERY EYESS.. I knw that nth stays the same forever..

But I just cant seem to change... Is it wrong to be the way I am ? All I want is... well.. All that his heart yearned for is things that was beyond possibilities of imagination.. All he had left also started to change its course of life.. And there he was left behind..

haizz... Hurt he is.. SO DARN HURT !! I dont have a cure to all this pain.. Or is there ?

I need to be saved.. But can I even be saved ? If so..

HOW ??

GOD PLEASE HELP ME..

I just want to be happy..

I want to go back..

I dont want to stay in this ISLAND..

GOD PLEASEEEEEEEEE HELP ME..

pleaseeee..

Signing off,

PKD

A Wandering ghost he has become..

2009-08-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

Bloggie i wanna say am so sorry for not posting for almost a month now.. So many things has happened.. NDP is over, had many outings, emotional moments.. Met up with my secondary sch classmates for Vanessa's bday for a really awesome evening the other day.. I've officiallyhad all the lectures and tutorials for the first semester of my POLY life !! HAving study break now.. Next week will be my FINAL SEM EXAMINATIONS !!! Afterwhich will be the long break which will be almost 2 months ! Will be flying to heaven for 2 weeeks ((: Away from this dreadful island !! Sadly its only for 2 weeks.. could've been the whole 2months ! haizzz.. next year i will !!

Anywayss so many things have happened.. Met some new people along the way.. Crazy times, UNFORGETTABLE MOMENTS.. I never regretted a single moment.. But one thing I've dreaded for it to change yet still stays the same.. Still having that same feeling since I joined Poly.. I really thought it would all change once i join poly.. But it only got worse.. All my life I've felt this way..

Do I really have that low of a self esteem ?

Do I really have that bad of a personality ?

Deep down I live in the past..

Mindset is still that of the past..

But I still do accept my present facts..

Then why am I still such ?

Why do I not have anyone ?

PPL once so close to me have parted from me..

I miss em so much..

Everyone is changing ..

I've been left behind..

I guess thats what its like to be a ghost..

A spirit.. Living in the past in a present world..

Ur acknowledged here and there by the surroundings

but never accepted into the society, friends and other people..

I feel like a ghost :(

I cant talk to anyone..

I always feel sooooo..

I dont even know what feeling this is..

What do I even have to do ?

Why am I feeling this ?

I dont even know whats wrong with me..

Am just alone and I hate it..

Almost 6months of poly and not a single person..

PPL think I've alot of friends..

PPL think I am Mr.Popular..

Well yeahh i guess I knw alotta ppl..

But not one of em knows me..

Knows me for who I am..

Still.. I walk alone EVERY single day..

Why ?? Maybe am just different..

Maybe am just weirdd..

I dont want to be a loner..

I dont want to be sad..

I dont want to be alone all the time..

I dont like this island..

My parents.. My family.. Their all I've got..

since the day he was born..

Thats all he has been dependant on..

With them around he is the happiest person on earth..

Maybe he has been so close to them..

So close that he is unable to be close to anyone else..

He wants to get awayy..

Get away from this terrible miserable islandd..

Oh the pain from within..

Its unbearable..

He yearns for someone to walk with him..

Hold his hand and tell him that he is loved and he is not alone..

But even when someone does..

HE fears to accept the care from anyone other than his family

and a few special people..

Why ?

Coward is what you may call him for being fearful of

losing the ones whom say they would stay...

His eyes are the barrier of a river of tears waiting to flow..

The barrier is stronggg..

He is strong and he will stay strongg..

One or two drops trickle here and there but never will he break..

A heart so heavy yet so empty..

Unable to receive.. Only able to give..

Unable to commit, only able to deliver..

Unable to allow one to stay but able to stay with someone..

Unable to receive love, only able to shower love..

A kind of love he wished he had till this dayyy..

Not the kind you maybe thinking of..

The kind of unconditional love..

He still receives that love in other forms..

For that he is ever so thankful for the GREAT LORD ABOVE (:

Yet nothing can replace..

A heart has become the way it is now..

How it became such ? He doesnt know..

If he could change it..

Oh.. He wishes for it so badly..

This weird little teen continues to smile as though everything is alright..

Not knowing what is wrong with him..

Wishing he did.

Wishing he had a solution..

He tries to open up only to find that theres nothing left..

Could he be saved ?

Would he be saved ?

Would there be someone ?

He just wants to get away from this island where he doesnt belong..

A wandering ghost he has become..

Signing OFF,

PKD

A heart so NUMB, so worthless..?

2009-07-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since I blogged.. Been caught up with school cca and COMMON TESTS n PROJECTS !! Sorry bloggiee..

Everything seemed to be going fineee..

I felt like as if i was trully happy again..

Or was I ? I am back to square one ?

I want things to go my way..

I need things to go my way..

If it doesnt which is the case most of the time, I've always adapted.

What happened ? Why am I back to the lowest of lows ?

Why ? WHY ? WHYYY !!!??

I dunno..

This feeling I hate..

What I trully want I dont know..

Have I forgotten the true meaning of what it is supposed to be all about ?

Or am I just having too much expectations for myself.

Maybe it is because of the fact that

I've been hurt so bad that I judge every single incy bincy minor factor or everything and everyone before interacting, before participating before allowing any progress.

I restrict myself too much..

Is this really the problem ?

If it is what do i do ?

What can i do when i dont even know what I want ?

I am lost..

I dont even feel like I own my heart anymore..

Do i even have a heart ?

Is this the feeling having a heart so broken that you feel like you dont have one any more ?

A heart so NUMB.. It feels nothing.

Nothing but the last feeling it felt and experienced..

That excuricating PAIN.

There is a barrier..

An invisible barrier between me and everyone...

I really mean EVERYONE..

I cant reach out..

I cant climb over..

I can see through the barrier but I just cant see myself over on the other side.

Make sense ?

Doesnt make sense to me..

Yet that is what i feel.

CONTRADICTING.

I need a peace of mind.

I need a relief.

Sometimes I just wish I was non-existant.

Yes thats what I said..

Dont like it ?

I dont like it either..

Besides, does it make a difference if i diddnt exist.

No big deal...

Like some friends I know from schoool sayyy..

Chiong or dont Chiongg Life GOES ONN !!!

I knw my friends said in a fun and hilarious wayy..

But if you look at it from a different perspective...

Whatever happens in this world..

Life just keeps going..

TIME WAITS FOR NOONE !!

Likewise, guess weather am dead or alive..

Life goes on..

Whats the difference ?

What happens after I die ?

Do all my feelings and pain just disappear ?

Does my character, my heart, my memories, everything I stood for, everything I had a passion for.. Everything just comes to a hault ?

Just like that ?

If it did..

Thats tooo scary for me to handle..

I want to rid off all this contradictary feelings.

I want to give myself some peace.

But I dont want to bring an end to all my thoughts and character and myself.

I dont want to die..

Could I live forever ?

Even if I died

does the pain continue in another world ?

I've always wondered.. What happens after death..

Since young.. I've always wondered..

Guess these are just some of the most popular unanswered questions in this world in which we reside in..

So whats wrong with me ?

Why all this negativity ?

I dont wanna be negative.

I aint emoingg..

I HATE EMOING !!!

Then what am I doing ?

Well what else can I do ?

I have nothing..

Nothing..

Numb is all I feel..

A heart so NUMB, So worthless ??

I trully hope not.

Signing OFF,

PKD

OHH I AM SOOOO HIGHHH !!! :D

2009-07-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

BLOGGIEEE !!! OH I AM SO HIGHHHH !!! Really had such a blast todayyy bloggieeeee !! wooohooooooooooo !!!! :D Today was the first NE show for the National Day Parade 2009 !! As u can see in the picture above, thats my uniform for the usherss :D i like the shirt but the shorts ahhh i hate it !! its like FBTz!!! wanted bermudas kind !!! o'wellz anywayss stil that aint bringing my spirit down :D

AIGHT !! Before i start talkin about NDP !!! lets recap a lil bit of wat happened this weeek !! WELL THE HIGH LIGHT OF THE WEEKDAYS was definitely the whole Poly Experience Day which was held the entire of this week for sec sch students to come down to my sch and u knw get a taste of poly lifE !!! jus a year back i was in their position and a year later !!!!...

haha i am a presenter along wif my partner Mervyn for friday's presentation and Nicholas for Thursday's PRESENTATION ((: yeah had to present twicee !!! was really nervous on the first dayyy !! HAd to present to all those sec sch peeps abt great service in a fun and very interactive way and all !! So it was more like a hosting kinda thingy cos i felt nth like presenting :D Just that we had to deliver the idea clearly !!!l SO EVERYTHING WENT PRETTY FINEE other than for the first presentation where i nearly tripped and fell over some brouchers on the floor but i managed well !! HAHA and the last day went exceptionally well !! SO ITS ALL COOOOOOOOL ! shant go into too much detail, so herez 3 pics from this weeek ((:

ahhh therez Mervyn and I in ACTION !!!

PS: MERVYN CAME UP WITH THIS FAT AND SKINNY JOKE WHICH WE DECIDED TO USE DURING THE PRESENTATION AND IT REALLY GOT EVERYONE LAUGHING !! SO THANKS MERVYN FOR THE IDEA THOUGH ITS LIKE AGAINST U AND ALL !! HATS OFF TO U MAN !!

herez d joke..

MERVYN TO ME : Dude u look so skinny that when ppl look at you they think the world is suffering from starvation...!!! :/

ME TO MERVYN: hey hey hey !! am not that skinny kayz ? besides WHEN PPL LOOOK AT YOU ??? THEY THINK UR THE CAUSE OF THE WORLD'S STARVATION !!!! :D

get it get it ? :D

and here are the ACCOUNTANCY BUSINESS STUDENTS !!

wooohoooooooo WE RULE MAN !

HEREZ ALL THE AWESOME BA ENVOYS PRESENTERS AND USHERS FOR DAY3 !!

Anyways tat wrapped off FRIDAYY ((:

Friday night at abt 3am i had to go to the airport to send of my cousins side grandparents in the airport !! really sad as i really wished they cld stay longer :( o'wellz anyways so there went my SLEEEP !! got home at 7plus and slept and woke up at 930 and got ready for NDP NE SHOW1 !!!! Was all set and everything was just going great wif the ushering and all and we were just bonding and crapping as always... AND I MUST SAY MY GROUP R1 IS TRULLY AWESOME AND ROCKINGGG MAN !!! AWESOME GRP OF PPL !!

anddd oh oh the highlight of the whole NE1 is that jus moments before we said the pledge.. SECONDS BEFORE !! IT SUDDENLY START TO RAIN ON US ! AND I REALLY MEAN IT !!! RAIN ON US LIKE CATS AND DOGS AND HIPPOS AND ELEPHANTS KINDA HEAVY !! :D

But we all stayed there and stayed still through out the pledge and anthem and once the fireworks came on everyone jus went crazy !! IT WAS JUS PHENOMENOL !!! I WAS FREEZING AND SHIVERING COLD AND MY PONCHO WENT BONKERS ON ME SO I WAS SOAKING BUT I ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT OF IT !!!

I LOVE THE RAIN !!

AFTER and HOUR IN THE UNFORGIVING RAIN !!! WE GOT TO SHELTER AND WE ALL stARTED TO SNAP PICS whiLE In the wet STATUS :D AND JUS BONDED AND WENT NUTS TOGETHER !!! :D TOTAL FUNNNN AND LAUGHTER AFTER A SUCCESSFUL EVENT !!!

HONESTLY, IT HAS BEEEN SUPER LONG SINCE I WENT SO CRAZY AND HAD SO MUCH FUN !! AND I AM REALLY HAPPY TODAY BLOGGIE ((: REALLY AM !!!

SO herez jus a few pictures that we toook todayyy !!!

Red SECTOR - R1 GROUP !!!

WOOOOOOO WE Jus CANT STOP SMILINGGG !!!

Ivan going nutz behind, dunno what he is trying to do oso, but it sure got us LAUGHING :D

So after all the pictures and dinner and pizza and chicken wings and debriefing session and all... we headed back and thats when the worst thing happened..

WHILE walking down the stairs with my grp, as it was super wet due to the rain, somehow someway i slipped and i went tumbling down the stairs !!! THANK GOODNESS I WAS ALREADY AT THE LOWER END SO I JUS FELL abt 3 steps down !! IF I WAS HIGH UP GOD KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE BECOME OF ME !!!

First i felt so super embarrassed, but then the pain in my legs over took the embarrassment.. I reallly thought everyone was gonna start laughin at me and stuff..

BUT....... to my pleasant and heartwarming and touching surprise, everyone came running to me in shock and with worried looks and even helped me back up to my feet asking me if I was okay and if i was hurt and so on and so forth.. I trully was TOUCHEDDD BIG TIMEEEE by all of their GestURESSS !! Upon all their concern, i totally honestly forgot abt the pain which am surprised how i could have not felt that much pain then cos now its like hurting like crap :D

But nonetheless.. THANKYOU GUYSSS FOR ALL THE CONCERN !!! Especially the one whom smsed and asked me how i was feeeling askin me to tc and all.. [you knw who u are ((: ] really means so much to me yeahhh ((: All of you guys, Sharmilah, Nisha, J.T, Ivan, Satish,Shumin, Yuling, Adeline, Demello and ofcos CASHERINE WHOM was in more of a shock than i myself was and EVERYONE ELSE WHOm ASKED ME !! SORRY IF UR NAME AINT HERE !!! DIN WANAN SPELL WRONGLY :/ but jus wanna sayy even if its jus a small phrase u asked like are u okay, its 10000% APPRECIATED !!!

YOU GUYS TOTALLY MADE MY DAY THE BEST OF THE BESTTTTTT !!!

LOVE YALLL !!! ((:

REALLY HAD AN AWESOMEE TIMEEEEE !!!!

MY CRAZY COOL HAPPENING BUDDY SHARMILAH AND ME ((:

wooohoooo our hearts are glowingg !!

HEARTWARE :D

CANT WAIT FOR NEXT SAT FOR NE SHOW 2 !!!! wohooooo !!

anywayssss well thats my weeek so far !! I REALLY AM SO HAPPY AND I JUS HOPE THIS LASTSSS ((:

THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING THE SMILE BACK TO MY FACE ((:

HOPE IT LASTS..

R1 !!!!!

((: LASTING MEMORABLE BONDS ((:

Through out the smiles...

his heart goes out

accompanied by prayers

jus wanting you to be finee..

he'd rather go through it for you then

you having to go through it..

The heart reaches out..

Signing off,

PKD

Simply EMOTIONLESS...

2009-07-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

My head is spinning round and round..

Not knowing where I am going..

Not knowing what am feeling..

Not knowing what i want or need anymore..

Feeling absolutely nothing..

Nothing but that feeling of being in the middle of nowhere..

Wishing for someone to be by my side.

Someone whom'd understand and hold my hand and walk with me..

Guide me..?? Tell me where to go..

What does he feeel ??

He is boring..

He has no personality..

He always ends up being lost.

Or is he really that sad ?

He doesnt want to be sad.

He wants to be happy !!

HE really really does..

His self esteem is reducing...

Why is it so ?

He needs to bring it back up to atleast a reasonable level !

He needs to strive harder..

He needs to commit at the same time..

Can he survive ?

HE WILL !!

But sometimes I just feel so...

haiz..

Am starting to dislike myself..

Wishing I was a lil different ?

I duno..

Am HAPPY WITH WHO I AM AND THE WAY I AM...!!

Yeahh.. I knw am contradicting my own words..

That what am feeling right now..

Everythingz jus so contradictory..

Is there someone out there whom would come by ?

Help me out for the sake of me ?

and not for the sake of what I say ..

I guess not.

I shall be noone else but me.

Not gonna do what u say..

Why should I ?

I wish to be noone else but ME !!

Guess this is the consequence of being me.

I know I have a phobia..

I try to overcome that phobia..

That he will over come..

He has indeed come a long way..

Maybe he has just spent too long being someone else to adapt in to a hellacious environment that he has lost his true identity..

And now all that remains is a slight image of his true self..

In the real world he really needs that image of his true self..

Thus the journey he shall continue in

redeeming his full true self...

Speaking from the heart..

Not as easy as it sounds..

Yet easier than u'll ever imagine !!

He continues walkinggg..

Getting through each day..

With that pasted together shattered heart of his..

He really trully has no idea where he is going..

LOVE?

HAPPY?

SAD?

ANGRY?

SCARED?

Simply Emotionless..

alone.

Signing off,

PKD

Never beeen Lonelier..

2009-06-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

I knw I've not been blogging for awhile now... Honestly, I've really been craving for time to just pour out all those feelings, gd and bad here.. Just cant find the time.. Now am here before you bloggie.. Ironically, I've nth to say now, despite the fact therez so much I've been wanting to say.. I guess I just dont know where to start..

What I am feeling, what i go through really aint pretty..

You dont wanna even go through 1 second of it.

I guess its just me..

Gotta accept the facts..

That some people are just plainn boring and simply meant to be outcasted..

Not meant to be among those I crave to be with..

Whats wrong with me ?

I am supposed to be Mr.Optimistic !!

Whatever happened to him ?

He has solved the problems and made so many depressed people feel at ease..

Yet he couldnt even help himself..

Noone that he can go to..

Everyone whom is there, is there with a purpose..

He controls those tears and tries to find some sweeter truth among

all the bitterness..

Is there really nth meant for him ??

Therez nth interesting abt him..

No special talents..

No cool personality..

No drive.. Not anymore..

Who'd wanna have anything to do with a wandering lone boyy..

He just simply aint able to connect with this world which has

always seemed so foreign to him..

Anywayss this 2 weeks holz has officially come to an end.. its 130 am and i need to wake up early tmr.. PROJECTs are dueeee !! Deadlines approachingg !! The highlight during this 2weeeks I have to say was my camps which ended of with the ever so awesome and ROCKING BA ENVOYS CAMP where i got to be with probably one of the best grps of amazing ppl ever ! ORANGE GRP !!

Without em, CAMP wld have been such a boreE !! aint gonna go into details of camp.. But u and i knw right bloggie ? ;) CAMP TRULLY ROCKED and so DOES EVERYONE IN THE GRP ! WE RULEE !!!!!

and that was tat.. Finshed up with the video for Business Law Project and am pretty excited with the finalised video !! Hope my project mates wld like it ((: Will post it up in facebook or smth after presentation ((:

=================

And then there was the horrible tragic news... Michael Jackson passed away last thursdayyy..
I seriously couldnt believe it ! My uncle told me abt it and I was like "wth sure or not ?? " kinda thingg... My dad confirmed it and i checked the net and it was TRUE.. MJ has always beeen one of my favz when it comes to styles and his dancing and singing and his humanitarian waysss !! All those negative accusations of him being whatever he was called was really utter bullshit i believe !! He was deprived from his childhood and tats why he loves kids and loves to play with them and be with them and its something to admire and not to think of in a negative way.. whatever it maybe.. The KING OF POP has passed on and we've all lost yet another GREAT..

Trully one of my IDOLS !! Always admired his songs especially those lyrics and even those uniting the diff races.. Not an easy feat to do especially during the 80's !! Well MJ will be always rememberedd... There goes my dreams of one day seeing him perform :(

LOTZA LOVEE !!! u'll be missed..

U ROCKK MICHAEL !!

=================

Tmr its back to school.. Hoping to start of on a good note..

Modules getting more challenging..

Gotta really hang in there and keeep striving like i ALWAYS have..

Through out all this his heart still yearns.. Oh so much for something

which has beeen taken away from him ...

Now all that shattered heart can do is just hide..

and avoid further pain..

Yet still it yearns..

If only there was someone who'd understand, Someone whom would be there with him..

He has beeen among such huge crowds knowing everyone..

Not strangers.. But people he knew..

Yet, he felt like he was the only one there..

Where is he going ?

What this path he is on ?

He has no idea..

He jus hopes..

He always have, but only to be left in shear dismay..

Never been Lonelier..

Signing OFF,

PKD

SLOWLY HE WILL OVERCOME..

2009-06-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

Am officially backk from BA COMM Camp !!! jus abt 3 hrs back :D SOOO GD TO BE HOMEEE ((: that was just the 1st of 3 camps in this two weeek JUNE breakk.. Tmr is my NEXT CAMP !! Poly Stage Factor [PSF] followed by BA ENVOYS CAMP ON MON !!
Ahhhhhhh Am already deadddd BEATTT !!!

Anywaysss Camppp reaally was greattt.. other than the foood :/ not that it was dreadful but well guess it jus wasnt all dat appetisingggg..

On the 2nd day which was yesterday morning while at the washrooom brushing my teeth smth dreadful happenedddd !! When i pressed down the thingy to get the water flow, d fleshy skin at the tip of my left middle finger somehow got stuck inside and i panicked and pulled out quickly which led to a SUPER DEEEEP CUTTT :/ SUPER PAINFUL I TELL UUU BLOGGIEEE !! my half my hand was like covered in bLood :((( and i washed it off and trieddd putting pressure on the wound which got better in a few mins but blood still was flowing in small amnts.. In the end got my leader to help me put a plaster on it.. haha yea a plaster was all tats needed to cover that sucker up :D so yeaa THANKS JOSHUA AND DARREN ((: appreciate it tons man (:

Anywayss uploaded a lil picture diary here (: for the rest of the pic, its in my facebook (:

www.facebook.com/praveenkumardaniel

AFTER Dinner (:

My FLYING buddy Zatti and me ((:

Cooldudezzz ((:
Awesome buddy Brandon and ME (:
PS: dis dude has 5camps i heard during this 2 weeek june breakk !! After hearing that i started to appreciate my 3 camps :D

US ((:
PS: if u looked carefully u can see the plasterr on my middle finger :D

THE "NEVERMIND" POSE.. haha GRP4/5 !! (:

So yeaa tats pretty much it for nowww.. well am glad am really havingg little time for even for myself.. Sometimes.. guess it keeeps me from having to think too much..

About what ?

I dont know..

But I dont like it.

It suckss..

Whats wrong with me ?

I neeed to break outta this..

Somebody save me ?

Am i jus intimidated so much by what i DONT HAVE ?
Guess so ?

He will change, He will adapt and overcome the adversities..

Always standing on his OWN..
Born to standout ??
haha good one.. *sighs*

SLOWLY HE WILL OVERCOME..

Signing off,
PKD

As long as he is breathing in and out..

2009-06-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

At THE LOWEST OF LOWS..

SIMPLY HOPELESS, SIMPLY

USELESSS..

NOT KNOWING MY PURPOSE..

WHY I BREATHE..

BELONGING NOWHERE..

BELONGING TO NOWHERE AT ALL..

NOWHERE BUT MY OWN

POOL OF BLOODY TEARS..

IT HURTS SO BADD SOMETIMES..

PATHETIC LIFE I LIVE.

I SIMPLY AM JUS THAT I GUESS..

Pathetic..

I DONT WANT THAT..

I keeep trying to make something out of nothingg..

Still in SQUARE 1..

dooomed to be here in this dark worldd..

seeing the light and mingling in the light

yet being filled with no light at all..

I NEED TO BE SAVEDDD..

I DONT WANT THIS, NEITHER DO I LIKE THIS.

What am I talking about..

I dont know..

Do I ??

Trully ?

Maybe not..

Maybe SO..

WHATEVER IT MAYBE.

alone on this road being the cast awayyy

HE WILL PREVAIL

HE WILL FIGHT

HE WILL SURVIVE.

GOD IS WITH HIM.

As long as he is breathing in and out..
He will keeep walkinggg..

Signing OFF,

PKD

The Sun Rises Upon the darkness.. But is it trully bright yet ?

2009-06-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

Exams are officially over and 2weeeks of holidays have officially begun !!

So called holidays... i practically have only at most 4 days i think of free days in this entire break ! 3 camps to go to ! Project discussions, thank GOODNESS no hmw !! Am already dyingggg.. I need to get out.. MOVIES, BEACH, AIRPORT !! oh those places.. I simply love. Hope I find the time BLOGGIE. I've been feeling a lil somewhat lighter in my heart lately after meeeting bestieee after what was quite a longgg time.. Really happy for everything thats happening in her life n family... WISHING NTH BUT THE BEST TO HER WONDERFUL FAMILY AND HER ((:

So am jus sitting here at home waiting for it to be 845am.. Got NDP training at 930 !! Dadz dropping me off.. and he'll be off for some seminar away from Singapore and will only return on monday :( Uncle and Aunt's family are in KL !! I could have been there too if not for NDP training :( sad.. Oh well, everyone is leaving town and am going to be left alone on this tortuRous islandddd..

2 nights alone..

Not the first time though, but first time without any other family members..

Only my cousin whom will probably be out with his friends as usual.. :/

So that leaves for me myself and I.

So many things have been on my mind lately..

Am jus going with the flow BLOGGiE..

Am having no sense of direction.

I neeed to get awayy..

BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE..

Anyways am just relieved now the EXAMS are over !!

really glad for that.. So shall jus keep that in mind..

Maybe having my holidays filled up wif all this schedules is a

good thing.. Sometimes when ur too busy.. U dont have time to

feel and think about all that misery and pain.

So shall start of my day on that good note (:

GOD BE WITH ME (:

-------

PS: Sincerely want to say THANK YOU to everyone whom took d time to talk to me n cheer me up (: even if it means jus asking me.. "why so emo? r u okay?"

THANK YOU ((:

-------

Its 840. Shall be off now..

Time to walk in to the lighttt as the sun shines bright..

Yet feeling somewhat dark ?

I'm confused as ever.

Maybe am not..

This is the way I am meant to be.

Nonetheless..

As i have all my life..

I shall keeep walkinggg till it kills me from within..

and he continues

to overcome.

And MONDAY HE WILL SMILE (:

and the PrinCe continues to live on in this materialistic worldd..

The SUN Rises upon the darkness..

But is it trully bright yet ?

Signing OFF,

PKD

Not meant to be in this world, Somewhere I belong ?

2009-06-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Things have been going smooth despite the heavy and rough winds !!

Somehow am still sailinggg.

The heart moves more into that dark abandoned corner by the second.

What is pushing it there?

Not as if it likes being in the dark.

But it has nowhere to go and rather stay in the dark

to HIDE the wounds and hurt its endured along the years.

It used to find comfort in a person whom he could always count on to be with and

simply be happy. But now that person has changed so much that he has lost his

original identity which is being missed so much..

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO CHANGE??

i know its a known fact.. that nothing lastss forever..

but its still just so sadd..

Am i the only one left behind heree ??

Everyone has gone off and kept goingg..

This hearts in this future where its thoughts and memories

are those of the past.

It does not belong anywhere..

It has gone up and down, left and right, in and out

of everywhere is has been to and only found itself BACK at square one.

It cant fit in anywhere..

Maybe its meant to be on its own ??

I sometimes wish i had a sibling.

Though am always more glad that i was the only child.

Until the day it struck me and killed off a side of me.

OH HOW I WISHH..

i jus really wish so badly BLOGGiEEE..

I wish i had someone by me..

Someone whom would be with me all the time..

Not all the time but more like at home, out, alone, with friends and simply..

Maybe I guess, all the time..

Some may say i wont know what its like to have a sibling or that special bond

or that annoying feeling when they keep getting on ur nerves at however at

the same time that annoying feeling which just doesnt last and in no time

you end up being close to them and talk and play around as if nothing happened and you were never annoyed with them in the first place..

I've beeen BLESSED by the great GOD above to have given me the chance to experience all these amazing emotions and feelings of having a sibling despite being the only child..

I guess maybe tats God's way of compensating for all the lonely hours i spend

when I reside in this painful torturous island.

NONETHELESS I LOVE AND THANK GOD SO MUCH

FOR THAT PRICELESS BLESSING(:

I yearn for Love,

Yet I Run away from It..

Here i standd in the crowd..

Beaten battered torn apart in heart.

Screaming at the top of my voice yet no one hears me.

Deprived I am.

Maybe i rather not feel the serenity of it with the risk

of that hurt that may come along with it..

Then again who would wanna consider even giving a glance

at this walking disaster.

Unwanted..

Why is it always those whom i am pulled towards always end up

pusing me away..

Is that the psychology of things work ?

Or it that the psychology of how things work when it comes to me..

Then again, its not something new..

But why do i feeel affected by it ?

Its been years that I've been treated this way.

Worthless I've become..

Noone wants a broken shattered mirror.

they collect the pieces and dispose of them.

and the broken pieces will be left in the garbage through out the years till it is

given a new lease of life.. Sometimes never..

Those never ending tears.

Controlled within that heavy cracked up heart.

A heart so lost, it has no sense of direction.

It stands alone. soaked tears of blood misery..

Yearning for someonewhom would understand.

Someone whom would walk with me.

Someone whom would know me..

The REAL Me..

"Its not who I am underneath..

Its what i do that defines me" -B.B-

Right now, I really dont know what I should do. I dont want to define what I am underneath. It aint something I want the world to see.. Its not something the world wants to see.

And the REAL world isnt very nice.

It sees only what it wants to see.

SAD but true.

I want to be in that image I always wanna picture myself in.

Yet I ended up in a phAse few ppl expect me to be a part of.

What you see really isnt what you get..

I guess it applies perfectly in my tragedy..

There aint no fairygodmother in this story coming to save me.

There aint no happy ending..

I wish otherwise, but truth always hurts...

Somewhere I belong ?

DIE PRINCE DIE

Fading away slowly into the darkness in a river of bloody tears of painn..

Signing off,

PKD